Pushto Sinema?

99

The Sublime and Surreal World of Pushto Movies.

In the eternal quest for the ultimate realm of grotesqueness we ended up scouring the numerous video shops opposite the legendary Rose Cinema in Rawalpindi a well-known hangout for artists and beatniks.

The search was on for something even more tantalising and energising than the thumkas, thrusts and typical Lollywood pyrotechnics. We asked the unsuspecting fellow at the counter if he could supply us with some “seriously heavy shit” – raunchy, bloodbaths, vociferous sleaze and hiNRG smut was what we were after. Not porn mind you – this stuff has all been passed by the Islamic Republic’s censor boards consisting of those who guard us from becoming morally corrupt. It’s a tough job, but they make an earnest effort.

What we were offered, however, is seriously warped stuff – all double meanings, innuendo, and an amazing level of crudity both overt and not. Anyway, the nerd at the counter proved anything but as he asked us if we understood Pushto?

With that suggestion he had hit the jackpot. We were about to enter a whole new world……the world where beauty has no bounds and art has no barriers. The surreal and fantastical world of Pushto cinema. We raced back with our acquisitions eager to indulge, having drooled pools of saliva lusting at the art on display on the mere covers of the videos.

Several hours later my perception of humanity had been forever altered. Patakha (The Cracker) was the first movie to go on and it began with a title sequence that was barely decipherable. Tahir Khan is the genius who has created the film which begins with the mandatory attempted rape within moments of the start – no surprises so far!

The real shocker and a mighty pleasant one at that was the healthy, rotund state of the films leading beauty Shinno. She is quite clearly a “patakha” weighing in at a muscular size. They clearly like their girls a touch beefy up north it seems.

Anyway, she and her mates, dressed as if entering the “Alternate Ms. World” contest, go for a picnic to the local park where naturally an attempted gang rape occurs. Shinno, our gorgeous Gyal, is rescued by a portly, elderly gentleman sporting a Big Indian Chief’s wig. He beats the crap out of the anti-Islamic elements and is swiftly rewarded with Shinno’s instant infatuation. He bursts forth into a lilting number while the director aims his camera lens and obligatory hose pipe “rain” directly at the well-rounded posterior of our “patakha” Shinno. She in turn undulates untiringly, rubbing herself up and down while the camera finds all sorts of intriguing and frightening angles from which to investigate her bulbous protruding parts.

John Waters would turn green with envy at this stuff and it is indeed our intention to send him these very videotapes so that he can be turned on to the sublime joys of Pushto cinema. The Prince of Puke has no idea of what he is missing and hasn’t truly lived unless he has partaken of this particular aspect of our eastern “culture”.

Meanwhile, Big Chief has an enormously overweight mother who makes sure we all know how blind she is by stumbling horribly with every step and blinking endlessly just in case we hadn’t quite got the message. Poor gal is soon to be burnt to a crisp as her son’s bitter enemies burn her residence down at night with her inside.

The rest of the movie is a seamless blend of shouting, guns, blood, revenge with the occasional interlude where what resembles a woman shows up, thrusts about a bit, wiggles around, allows the camera to crawl all over the anatomy and that’s about it.

Women are depicted as lumps of meat whose sole purpose in movies is to allow the graphic depiction of rape and attempted rape scenes ad nauseum. The other purpose is all too obvious. There is enough bulbous flesh on display here to astound.

It’s a most repulsive sight to watch women thrusting and straddling and rolling about and the camera’s 100% focal point being directly on their underwear and what lies within. And in a desperate attempt to unclothe the women further, mandatory “rain” is splashed on to provide the audience dollops of flesh with all curves and lines clearly visible if totally covered in accordance with the strict censor code.

The other quite startling aspect of this and subsequent films we saw emanating from these parts was the obsession with obesity. It is quite evident that according to these movie’s obese is beautiful. This makes from a startling if perhaps welcome change from the waif like models that adorn the catwalks of Paris and New York. In these Power-Pushto masterpiece’s the babes are invariably humungous……or “healthy” as they say in these parts. The men are also required to have solid paunches as a sign of their sound economic status.

I have to confess to having some sleep disorders having watched a volley of these pushto films. The manner in which women are depicted was beyond nauseating and explains a lot in this land of wife burning and honour killings. The other startling factor was the revelation of the kind of smut that the censor board passes for public consumption, considering the things that are considered “un-Islamic”.

The audience is pulverised by a series of truly sickening attempts at titillation – you have countless scenes where the camera man films from below as a woman gyrates and grinds away…….the camera focusing and in fact zooming in and out of her underwear region. In the real shockers, get this, there is no underwear at all, just the leggings…..and though they are a thick set of leggings, they are basically flesh toned and the result is spectacularly unedifying. One or two contained “scenes” that were inserted without the knowledge of the censors…..scenes which were awkward to watch in their depiction of the sexual act.

This was simulated sex – fully clothed, almost bestial in its crudeness and vulgarity. It has taken days to recover from the experience – not a pleasant one! Now that one is over the shock, perhaps one can enjoy the movies for their true worth, but until one has learnt to do that, it is just too insulting to partake in this debasing of humanity and women in particular.

There is a reason we omitted Pushto movies from our list of “scariest films ever” because these are in another dimension of horror altogether.

NEWSFLASH JULY 2001: According to film trade papers the five released Pushto films of 2001 have all been “Saaf Sutree” (clean) films with none of the raunch we have grown so addicted to. Fortunately, each one of them has flopped and the importers of Pushto smut from Dubai etc have turned up their noses at this new “family oriented” fare that Pushto producers have dished out in 2001. After all who wants to watch Pushto films shorn of their legendary oomph?

Fact is, everyone is somebody just doing a job and as long as there is a market for it, everything goes! its just work.

Some of the Pushto titles we have attempted to review: SHOCK MAAR, GRINGO, BALAA, KACHA GHOTAY, ADAM KHOR, ATOM BOMB, GOORKUND, DA KHAWR LASME SPOGMAY