Lour Da Balaa (1999)


Lour Da Balaa (1999)
: Shahid Khan, Badar Munir, Durdana Rehman, Babra
Director: Darvaish
Music Director: Faisal Rabi
Synopsis: Flesh eating Buxom She-Beast Rapes and Murders Fat Dudes for kicks!


If you happen to be familiar with Pashto horror films which I don’t presume you will be (I am the ONLY person I know who watches these monstrosities without coercion) you will already be well aware of the ability of Pathan film makers to concoct stuff of the most deliriously warped kind loaded with smut, sleaze and drenched in a grotesque and fangled version of sex. Films such as Balaa, Goorkund, Da Khwar Lasme Spogmay and the mighty Adam Khor had already displayed the burgeoning talents of the Pashto directors and Lour Balaa not only lives up to the shockers that came before it but surpasses them all by a mile and a half with easily the most deliriously perverted scenes ever captured on film in Pakistan or quite possibly anywhere else for that matter.

It almost defies description but here is a brave attempt. The film starts off immediately reminiscent of Dracula Prince of Darkness with an earnest horse-cart man taking a fat pathan who looks like he just stepped out of Haight-Ashbury back in ’68 with long unkempt tresses, a beard that would be the pride of a Taliban mother and filthy rags that would make Wurzel Gummage envious.

The horseman stops his cart and tells the podgy hippy that he won’t take him any further because ahead lies an area known for its evil. Our non-believing Hippy scoffs and sets out on foot heading straight for the vile terrain and soon enough he is in what looks like some ruins where among other weird wildlife he happens to see a shape shifting dog!

Undeterred he carries on and indeed crosses the terrain but just when all danger appears to have subsided he finds an abandoned car on the road with a typically buxom Pashto lass within squirming away in agony for some unknown reason. The Hippy senses his chance and hops into the car and carries the squirming beauty out who proceeds to pass out in his arms – who wouldn’t after all, probably the stench from his armpits alone would have done the trick. Now our hippy sizes up the situation and decides that medicinal rape can be the only thing that can save tubby now and so while she is totally unconscious he proceeds to have sex with her without removing her clothes – a trick we have perfected in Pakistani cinema.

Just as the hippie reaches untold heights of ecstasy, the beauty unconscious below him, slowly returns to life, but having transformed into a hideous witch with a case of double sized Angelina Jolie lips and a very serious case of acne! Repulsed the Hippy is too shocked to respond to the thrashing that is meted out by Bubbly Lips who sends him flying from one side of the ruins to the other in rapid succession. Finally when he is out for the count she plunges her bare hands into his chest and rips out his intestines in one go!

Then rather than munch on them gleefully as you might have expected, she starts off through the forest clutching the dripping intestines that are beginning to looks suspiciously like an enema painted pink and red!

Meanwhile in what is one of the most breathtakingly shocking scenes in the history of South Asian cinema we have a scene in a dark dungeon where some incredibly S&M and kinky sex is taking place between The Mother of Hairy Beasts – and you can tell it’s a mother because of the giant sized breasts Allah has blessed her with. Anyway, the Mother of Beasts is chained up on a stone slab and two large and very hairy bears start to sniff her body up and down, in some rather sensitive places as the Mother gets extremely worked up and excited.

Finally when she can’t take the excitement caused by the bears sniffing her toes, she breaks her chains and smashes each bear with a backhander sending them flying but before she can cause any more mayhem, Bubbly Lips appears with the enema/intestines and proceeds to dribble the blood into the mouth of the Mother of All Beasts in another scene of completely twisted, demented, unhinged sexuality.
Once satisfied, the hairy Mother of All Beasts aka Lour Da Baala sets off into the forest hunting her next victim. Meanwhile we are shown that the local police are totally stumped and haven’t the slightest idea as to who or what is the cause of all the mayhem and bloodshed.

There are several romantic sub plots thrown in at this point including some gang war kind of scenario that is too laborious and pointless to get into – basically all it does is dilute the films entertainment value and slow things down to a grinding halt several times and if you haven’t got the remote control handy and the fast forward button within shooting distance, you will never make it through this turgid experience.

Then, if the romance and the comedy and the police bits weren’t insufferable enough, you also have to contend with around 15 songs, each worse than the other, featuring a bevy of very fat and very masculine women thrusting their bums out at anything that moves. The first one or two are amusing but after that each bum wiggle is more brain numbing than the last one!

The saving grace of the film are the horror oriented bits that sometimes punctuate the boredom and zap the viewer with a dose of surreal awfulness and sleaze that are difficult to recover from in a hurry if ever. Not being content with the full on rape scenes of She Beast raping her male victims with full body parts rubbing against each other in delicious close up and succulent lip locking smooches that make the most guttural porn look tasteful – the directors also throw into the mix a mega dosage of homosexuality with one effeminate man actually getting to physically caress the man of his dreams while the man lies drugged!

In another mind-blowing scene we have three beds full of fat Lycra-clad beauties each caressing one another bosoms and wrapping their legs around one another – but it’s all supposed to be quite innocent as they are supposedly in their sleep! Simply warped beyond belief. Whatever I write cannot do justice to the sheer sleaze of this film which is sort of pseudo desi Torture Porn of the most insanely hideous and deranged kind (though in this case it is the audience that is being tortured).

Worse still believe it or not – there is a pistol upon which oral sex is performed and guess what? The pistol delivers its bullets into the woman’s mouth while the man holding the pistol squirms in delight. The sleaze level of this scene and this film in general would make even the great John Waters raise an eyebrow or three.

The delirious scenes in this movie are simply nothing short of mind-blowing – that is each time the She Beast or Bubbly Lips are on screen the movie snaps crackles and pops with the most grotesque perversions but sadly those scenes make up around 30 minutes maximum of a 2 and a half hour movie, which leaves a lot of time for tea and bathroom breaks!

Lour da Balaa is pretty much an endurance test, but if you can endure the stretches of mind numbing dullness, you will be richly rewarded with several deranged and truly warped sex sequences (shrouded in horror) that might well haunt you for the rest of your days!